Readers Respond: Did You Tell People About Your Infertility? How Did You Decide Who to Tell?

Responses: 9

Sharing your troubles with trying to conceive can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, sharing may open up lines of support. It's not easy to go through infertility, and you should not go through it alone! On the other hand, certain people may not know how to react. They may offer unwanted advice, or worse.

Did you tell your family about your infertility? What about your friends? How did you decide who to tell, and would you do anything different looking back? Share your story on talking about infertility here.

Haven't told anyone, and i'm glad

We haven't told anyone & I'm glad, DH let it slip to MIL that we MAY have problems (she promptly offered her unsolicited advice "claiming" she had problems conceiving DH, she got pregnant at SIXTEEN). I haven't told my mom, though I think she suspects, when I mentioned breast tenderness to my sister, she jumped to pregnancy. (I think b/c she was recently pregnant, though had a abortion for medical reasons.) When I told her I "wouldn't mind" if I was, she proceeded to tell me (basically) how awful it was to be a parent (she has two stepkids, that she sees like every other week.) (I'm glad I haven't told her.) Then she started comparing me to her pregnant druggie cousin. (I ended that convo). My best friend and I have talked about it (she's been married 3 months, not ready for kids), She was a bit more supportive but I still haven't told her we are TTC. I'm glad we haven't told anyone, it does get lonely but it cuts down on well meaning but ignorant "advice". Good luck everyone.

—Guest TTC since Nov 06

Told immediate family

We kept it quiet at for the first couple of years, but when we finally found out what it was and that it could potentially effect my sisters we told them and my parents. I wish we didn't have to tell though, besides my mom I hardly hear from my family anymore. I suppose they don't know what to say.

—Guest Guest

Was selective but wish I had told no one

Some people honestly can't keep anything to themselves, no matter how much you ask them to. I needed some help, advice, and support, which I got from some relatives. But others just blabbed and it left me unable to trust them.

—Guest Violet

Only some people

I told anyone whose support I wanted. As I had to take frequent time off work to go to doctor's appointments, I also let my boss know what was going on since that made things easier.

—Guest Krissi

I told everyone too

At first we kept it fairly hush-hush, but during the diagnostic stages I had so many doctor's appointments at odd times in the day that often required sedation (thank goodness I never have to have another HSG or operative hysteroscopy, ack!) that I finally just came clean. Surprisingly, I found out that two other friends were going through the exact same thing. I have to say that saying it out loud was a relief. I might have made a few people uncomfortable in the process, but to me that was better than keeping so many secrets.

—EKJacques

Wouldn't Do It Again

At first, I told everyone. Then I started realizing how people tend to lose all boundaries when you share something so personal. I found that it opened me up to a lot of judgments I didn't want to hear and questions I really didn't want to answer. If I had to do it over again, I would choose very carefully who to include in my "inner circle" on this subject.

—Guest Nikki

Wish I told my mom sooner

I didn't tell anyone for almost a year and then told my mom. When I finally told my mom, it was such a huge weight that was lifted. I hadn't told her because I didn't want her to worry. I had totally underestimated how supportive she would be and how important it was for me to have someone other than my husband to talk to about it. Looking back, I wished I had told her earlier. It would have made that year a lot easier on both me and my husband.

—Guest christine

I told a select group!

Our problem was that we couldn't stay pregnant. So we'd share the good news that we were pregnant, only to have a miscarriage or ectopic later. Then we'd have to tell everyone about our loss. That was hard. So the next time, we didn't tell everyone we were pregnant. Then we had a loss and no one knew what we were sad, and it was much harder to say, "We were pregnant, now we're not." So we decided that when we got pregnant again we'd share with a select few who would support us no matter what happened. We believed that we had to celebrate our baby, even if it was only ours for a few weeks. And the support form the few who knew when we suffered another set of losses was so wonderful.

—Guest Robin

I told everyone

I told everyone, but not right away. First, I kept it secret, but then I felt so alone with it. So first I told my best friend (She knew all along anyway!), then my bro and sis, and then the rest of my family. They all know, but I don't TALK to them all about it. I think it's better that I told. Not telling made me feel like maybe I should be ashamed of it, and that just isn't true! There are down sides -- my mom keeps telling me to adopt! But I still think it's better this way. (Before she just asked me over and over and over when I'm going to have kids! That was worse.)

—Guest Anne