Readers Respond: Did You Tell People About Your Infertility? How Did You Decide Who to Tell?

Sharing your troubles with trying to conceive can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, sharing may open up lines of support. It's not easy to go through infertility, and you should not go through it alone! On the other hand, certain people may not know how to react. They may offer unwanted advice, or worse.

Did you tell your family about your infertility? What about your friends? How did you decide who to tell, and would you do anything different looking back? Share your story on talking about infertility here.

Told some wish I hadn't, told some glad

DH and I been trying for over 2 yrs now. Had a pregnancy with him at 17, chose to terminate, so told people we were going off the pill, thinking it would be easy to get pg. After time kept going by, friends started asking. Got to point where I told them I don't want to talk about it anymore, just too hard, especially with seeing 5 pregnancies at work and countless family ones around us during the last two years. So now I only tell two girls at work, one being the boss just in case we start treatments again and I'm a raging bitch with hormones. Will only tell a couple close friends and parents when we finally get pregnant, but have high miscarriage in my family, so are going to wait.

—Guest Guest B

Never intended to

When I got married, the first thing on everyone's lips was "when are you going to have kids?" At that point I told them I was in no rush, and I wasn't. I wasn't even trying. Everything settled down. But then a while later a couple of my colleagues fell pregnant and it started again. We'd been trying at this point and decided to get tested. He was fine, I was diagnosed with PCOS. Told our immediate families and it would never have gone any further except that one night at work, the question came back up, and this time I took the person aside and said, "I can't without medical intervention". She immediately apologized, and although it was around work by the next day, the questions stopped (after initially explaining what PCOS was). I just think nobody knows what to say, some act like it never happened and flaunt their pregnancies in front of me, divulging every intimate detail without reserve. Its devastating at the best of times.

—Orchalia

Select Few, Regretted Some.

I told my mom and a few acquaitances. I regretted telling some, because everytime the subject of having a baby comes up, she automatically rubs me in the back and looks at me like she is sorry for me for being unable to have a baby. The point is, don't be sorry or sad for me, I am already sad as is. Then she starts to compare her situation to mine, every single time, I swear! The thing is, when she married her husband, he already had a vasectomy and told her he didn't want children. My husband is normal and wants to have children with me!! Just wish I had kept my big mouth shut at the time when I decided to tell her.

—sadandhelpless

Kind of told a friend

My husband and I have been trying for a while. My friend asked when we were going to have kids and I told her we were starting to look at the calendar and figure out when "things were supposed to happen." She seemed surprised, but she didn't pry. She loves to talk about her son. I don't feel like she will expand on what I said much, or tell everyone, and I hope I don't find out I'm wrong. When we do get pregnant, we have decided not to tell anyone for a while, but my husband wants to tell his mother. She will have to tell everyone she meets. I don't want to tell her anything. I'm glad we're not talking about ttc as I feel really embarrassed. We had several tests and they came back normal, but we have been ttc forever it seems, and I feel disappointed every month. So glad there's a few people here to share with

—Guest Still Trying

Few to many

We have been TTC for around 7yrs now and have been diagnosed with 'unknown' infertility where they can't find any problems. Despite going to hospital for 2 ectopics I didn't really talk about it much with anyone. I told my brothers, a few close friends and a couple of people at work. I felt much more comfortable talking to people I didn't have a strong relationship with and managed to connect with someone who had been through a lot of what I've now dealt with, which was a great help. I think that was because I felt like a failure. Now that we are getting closer to stopping treatment (although not quite yet) and facing a life without kids I have been telling more people. I still feel guilty about not talking to my Mum about it but I don't feel like I'd get the support I need and it would feel worse if she knew and still didn't support me.

—Guest Tuff

continued

just to sum up! only tell people who you know very well, who love you dearly and want the absolute best for you. the work friend i told is very competitive and i feel she started to use it against me. she suddenly started talking about having a baby, which she wasn't planning on doing for a good few years. i realised she was quite competitive with me and she could see it was something she had over me. she also gushed really hard if we were out together and we bumped into a friend who had a baby. i feel so dissapointed in her, but she is a lot younger than me and quite immature and this is a very real adult situation. one thing's for sure, you will certainly find out who your real friends are in a situation like this. most days i am very relieved we haven't told everyone. i think talking to a trained councellor about this is better than all your friends who don't understand. but get a stock answer sorted out for those difficult 'when' questions. friends who do understand are invaluable

—Guest bob

be careful

tricky, be cautious! at first i confided in one very good girl friend who i trust completely. she has been my rock. i told my mum and dad who have also been brilliant. i told my brother so he didn't ask 'when' we will have kids. we don't talk about it, but i'm glad he knows. we told close couple friends when they became pregnant because their joy and our sorrow were too much to hold down. they were genuinely very upset for us. then their baby arrived and they seem to think that our problem has just vanished and everything is great. they want us to come to events for their baby and made my partner godfather which we could have really done without. because we have put on a brave face with them, they think we are over it that we can't get pregnant. of course we are crushed in private. i told a friend i worked with who is younger than me who i then stopped talling to about it. she loves to let me know she is having kids in the future and i feel is rubbing it in. i now regret telling her.

—Guest bob

I told one friend and sister about TTC

I have told one of my best friends as she too was experiencing infertility problems and had told me. I wanted to see how she was coping and what advise she might have for me too. She is great and really supportive. The good news is she is now 6 months pregnant after her first round of clomid. She was ttc for 2 years prior to that. My sis also knows, she kinda guessed and asked me, which threw me really. She is wonderful but I just still feel that she can't really understand either. I am 32 and 1.5 years ttc. Doc say not ovulating and have a cyst on ovary, hoping to start clomid if cyst is gone at next scan. Some days I feel like I could burst with anxiety and stress and other days really down..it's just so awful really. I never thought this would happen to me. have not told my mam yet. think I'll hold on and see how the clomid goes first. I feel like I am in some parallel universe since this started.. as can't tell people and yet all this going on.. good luck to all of you....

—Guest Guest k

i find it difficult to tell anybody

I have been longing to be a mother for the past three years now, but I find it difficult to discuss these issue with an outsider except my doctor.

—Guest guest lizzy

didn't tell

It's so hurtful. I have one child but not for my husband, had an ectopic after that cant seem to get pregnant. It is nothing you want to talk about, you feel less than a woman. I know I have one child, she is over 18 so I wish I could have more. What do you do when you keep trying and nothing happens... it's sad.

—Guest portia

Ttc for 2.5 years

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for almost 4. I stopped BC when we got married and now have been trying to get pregnant for the last 2.5 years. I have had bloodwork, HSG, my husband has been tested and I am getting ready to start fourth cycle of clomid 50mg. Also scheduled appt with specialist next month. I need advice or just thoughts this has been so hard. I am 26 years old and all I ever wanted was to be a mom and it just happens to everyone around me. How can I deal with all of this?

—Guest lulu

trying to cope

Other than my husband, I haven't told anyone else out loud what I am going through and dealing with. The response I got from him was so hard to come to terms with. He all ready has children from a previous marriage.

—Guest bec

REGRET TELLING...

I read a few of these to help me put my feelings into words...thank you. I told very few I realize that most people will act as if they are supportive only to get you to open yourself up for their sick curiosity. But then switch on you and give unsolicited comments anytime they so choose. You would think that your mother would be your fan but that switched on me too and she blurted out what I told her in confidence to her friend. She also attacks me with her unsolicited views, negative and deflating comments an time she feels like it. I have told her never to bring it up again but she does not respect my wishes. I have discovered she has no boundaries and I cannot take back anything that I have entrusted to her. My philosophy is...if you wouldn't let someone wipe your butt, then don't let them in on your very private life either, that is, your fertility. There are a lot of anonymous chat rooms or counselors whose job is confidentiality and support.

—Guest Angela

Told mother & close friends only

Let's face it, men have completely different coping skills than us women. After our initial diagnosis of severe male infertility factor I waited 1 week before I was about to burst at the seams with emotion that my husband couldn't handle. I told my mother, with whom I am very close and immediately felt the comfort of her sharing my burden. I next told only 2 very close friends who I selected based on their own experiences with infertility. My husband has been as supportive of my breakdowns as can be expected given that he is dealing with more than I can imagine being the one diagnosed with our problem...but there's something about being able to confide in another woman who is trusted beyond measure that makes me feel better at the end of each day.

—Guest Kyla

It's a loss either way :(

Tell them or don't tell them?! If you don't tell them, prepare to constantly get your heart trampled on by everyone else & their absent-minded remarks. And eventually you will feel alone and all that pain and sadness will do it's best to eat you alive. On the other hand if you do decide to tell them, perhaps in an act of self preservation or in the very least you are hoping to save some sanity, you will realize that they aren't willing to change anything for you and all those same remarks continue...however this time they're not absent minded of it. You've become their pinata & that's sad. If you think you have people who love you and care, you will really find out if their heart is in the right place or not if you decide to entrust them with this. And I hate to say you will most likely be shocked and disappointed with almost every last one of them. Because you will realize you weren't imagining in the beginning how alone you felt...you really were alone all along.

—rain_or_sunshine