This is part two of an article on coping with family holiday gatherings, when coping with infertility. Read part one here.
Don't Be Afraid to Cut Off Uncomfortable Conversations.
I bet if I started a thread in our infertility forums on uncomfortable conversations that come up at family dinners, we'd gather tons of replies. Unwanted advice is a big one, either advice on getting pregnant (from "experts", of course) or, if your family doesn't know about the infertility, advice on why you shouldn't wait any longer to have kids.
Also, conversations that focus on the negative aspects of pregnancy or parenting can get really upsetting. Listening to your sister whine about her mornings sickness can feel unbearable when you would give anything to be pregnant and throwing up.
If you find yourself in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation, don't be afraid to switch the subject. Be direct if that doesn't work, and say you really don't want to talk about this right now. It helps if you do it all with a smile and without any blame. (Not to say you aren't angry inside. Just that taking it out on them will probably make things worse, and most likely, they didn't mean any harm.)
Be Ready to Cope with Pregnancy Announcements.
Family gatherings are the place for pregnancy announcements, whether direct (literally announcing the pregnancy) or indirect (walking into the house in maternity clothes and a big tummy).
It is far from easy to cope with pregnancy announcements when you're trying to get pregnant. Even if you are happy for your friend or family member, it can still hurt. More than once, an unexpected pregnancy announcement had me giving strained congratulations and fighting a growing lump in my throat.
Don't feel guilty for your feelings of sadness, but do be prepared for the possibility.
Hide in the Bathroom for a Few Minutes.
For me, being prepared means being willing to hide in the bathroom. I learned this from my therapist. If you feel like you need to cry, you can excuse yourself to bathroom. No one knows why you're there, and the door locks, making it a perfect spot.
You can also run the water in the sink if you don't want anyone to hear you crying. (But if your family is anything like my family, there is no way they will hear you crying over their loud voices, anyway.)
Sometimes, you just can't hold back the tears. It is much easier to go let them out, than hold them in. Have a good cry, wash your face, and then go back out. No one has to know what you're doing in the there, and you'll have some space for awhile. It really works, try it!
Be Forgiving of Yourself.
Perhaps the most important coping tip I have is to be forgiving of yourself. You might feel guilty for feeling sadness when your sister gets pregnant, or feel like a jerk when you ask your cousin to please stop talking about her birth story. But you shouldn't feel guilty. These are all normal feelings.
Coping with infertility is extremely difficult, and you'll be lucky if you have any friends and family that really understand. For the most part, I don't think anyone means to hurt our feelings, but they simply don't know what it's like. They may want to support us, but not know how.
If you need to skip the holidays with family this year, skip it. If you need to leave early, or come late, do that. If you need to hide in the bathroom and cry, or avoid holding a baby, don't feel like it makes you into a bad person. All it means is that you're human, with real feelings – feelings that just about every couple who has gone through infertility understands.
