Emotional Pain and Miscarriage, and National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. According to the official October 15th website, those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss should light a candle at 7 PM in their time zone. The idea, according to the website, is to create a “continuous wave of light” over the entire world during this day. I think this is a beautiful idea.
Recurrent miscarriage, defined as two or three consecutive miscarriages, is a form of infertility. There are many possible causes of recurrent miscarriage, some which are diagnosable and treatable. However, many women never find out why they continue to miscarry.
Experiencing pregnancy loss, especially recurrent pregnancy loss, is a heart breaking. I know, as I’ve lost three pregnancies. It’s difficult to find those that understand the emotions that come with miscarriage. Those who have not experienced pregnancy loss don’t understand that even though the child wasn’t born yet, that baby-to-be is so very real to the expectant mother.
Another struggle women who experience repeated miscarriage go through, specifically in the infertility community, is being made to feel that their infertility is somehow “less devastating” than those who have never become pregnant.
So many times I have seen conversations in forums and infertility message boards where those who have never gotten pregnant, will say to someone with multiple losses, “At least you know you can get pregnant.” As if there is some sort of competition over whose pain hurts the most.
I’ve also seen “pain competition” between women who have experienced miscarriage. Some saying that losing a baby during the second trimester is worse than losing the baby during the first trimester. Or someone who has experienced a “chemical pregnancy” is somehow expected to feel less pain than someone who miscarries at week 10 or 12 or 13.
No one can understand the pain another feels, and comparing pain is a pointless exercise. Today, in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, let’s forget about comparing whose loss is “worse”, or whose pain is deeper. Instead, let’s try to be unconditionally supportive of one another, and of ourselves.
Tonight, at 7 PM, I’ll be lighting three little candles, for my three lost pregnancies. And even though those miscarriages happened four years ago, I’ll probably cry fresh tears. Back then, I was made to feel by many people that crying for those miscarriages was silly. Now, I know its ok, and I’m not afraid to cry.
Let’s tell our stories, and listen to other’s stories, too. Let’s remember the little ones who we dreamed of holding, but never got to cuddle in our arms. It doesn’t matter if your miscarriage(s) or infant loss happened years ago, or it just happened this week. Telling our stories is a way of healing the pain from the loss, and it’s also a way to remember our babies.
I’d like to invite you to tell your miscarriage stories here, in this forum thread, if you like, or even below in the comments. You’re also welcome to share any ideas you have for remembering your baby, or what your thoughts are on this day.
You can read more about miscarriage at Krissi Danielson’s site, our About.com Guide to Miscarriage:
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