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By Rachel Gurevich, About.com Guide

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Foster Care: One of Many Options to Parent a Child

Thursday May 17, 2012

Foster care is one way to parent a child.

May is Foster Care Awareness Month, and while adoption gets the most attention in the infertility world, foster care is also an option for those looking to parent a child. Foster care isn't for everyone, but for those it fits, the experience can be life changing - and not just for the child. Also for you.

To learn more about foster care, check out these articles from the Guide to Adoption and Foster Care, Carrie Craft:

From Mother's Day to Mothering Day

Sunday May 13, 2012

Mother's Day can be an emotionally sensitive day for those in the trenches of infertility and those who have been in those trenches. (You may imagine that having a child takes away the pain of Mother's Day, but for many women, it doesn't, not completely.) Just trying to avoid the over-the-top marketing that surrounds mother's day can be overwhelming.

But I was thinking today that maybe, instead of celebrating only mothers on Mother's Day, we could also celebrate those who lovingly mother others. You don't need to have biological or adopted children in order to be motherly. (Sadly, there are plenty of traditional mothers who have no idea how to mother or nurture others.)

Think back to those in your life who have mothered you. I can think of a few special women who mothered me, as a child and as an adult. I cannot imagine who I am today without their special love, care, and attention.

And I am sure you have mothered others yourself. I'd say there's a high probability that someone out there felt nurtured and cared for in a special way by you. You may not know it. But they do.

I'm not saying focusing on mothering instead of traditional motherhood will make the pain of Mother's Day disappear. But I do think it's important to recognize that you don't have to be a mom to mother another person. I think it's important to recognize how much we can impact the lives of others, regardless of whether they are our son or daughter.

So to all those women out there who have lovingly mothered others, Happy Mothering Day to you!

Happy National Infertility Survival Day!

Sunday May 6, 2012

Today is National Infertility Survival Day, a holiday scheduled the week before Mother's Day to honor the struggle of those trying to have a family. It's a day for self-care and pampering. If you decide to celebrate, you may want to have a romantic dinner for two or take a long, long bubble bath. Or perhaps go for a massage or get a pedicure.

Will you be celebrating National Infertility Survival Day? Feel free to share your plans in the comment second below!

Read more about National Infertility Survival Day:

National Infertility Survival Day: A Day for Self-Care and Celebration

A Clomid Primer

Wednesday May 2, 2012

Clomid can be purchased at any pharmacy with a prescription.

Starting Clomid can be an exciting time. It can also be a bit nerve wracking. Often it's something tried at the beginning of fertility treatment, which means there's a whole lot of hope along with a whole lot of questions.

I remember way, way back in 2004 when I first tried Clomid. At that point, I was being treated by a gynecologist, and had not moved onto a reproductive endocrinologist (otherwise known as a fertility doctor.) I was so hopeful it would work out. And while I did get pregnant, I ended up miscarrying.

Clomid wasn't the solution for me, but it is the solution for many infertile couples with ovulation problems or unexplained infertility. It may be your golden ticket to pregnancy.

Here are plenty of articles about Clomid, with answers to common questions:

Are you starting Clomid? If yes, be sure to share with us how you feel about getting started on Clomid here. (You can also read what others felt regarding Clomid treatment.)

Image (c) Craig Smallish / Getty Images.

Don't Ignore Your Needs

Saturday April 28, 2012

If you sometimes feel less like a person making choices, and more like a puppet being bounced around in a play about infertility, you're not alone. Infertility can make you feel like it's in charge, instead of you. When you begin fertility testing, you may feel the doctors are in charge, or the tests are in charge. Same with treatments. You may go about your day in a daze, or carry out your doctor's instructions with a great sense of helplessness.

Despite how it feels, however, you are still in charge of your life. You do have choices. And you have needs that should not be ignored.

Don't Ignore Your Need to Ask Questions

Ask questions about infertility testing and treatment.

While your doctors know more about infertility and reproduction than you do, they don't know you like you do. You may have questions, and they should answer them. Don't put them too high up on a pedestal and assume every plan of action is unquestionably the best one. Maybe their plan isn't right for you. Or maybe what they have in mind for your treatment isn't what you're willing or ready to do.

Ask questions. Ask them to explain to you test results and what they mean for your prognosis. Ask them why they recommend treatments and if you have any other options. When treatment fails, ask them why they think things went wrong and what can be done differently next time.

And don't be afraid to ask for a second opinion, especially if treatment isn't going how you'd like or if you've had multiple treatment failures.

Don't Ignore Your Need to Think Things Over

If you're sitting in your doctor's office, and in a period of a half hour find out your only chance for success is IVF, you may not be ready in that moment to jump into a treatment plan. Maybe you will be - but if you're not, that is ok. You have a right to think things over.

I talk about the need for speed a lot, reminding my readers that their biological clocks are ticking. However, waiting a few hours, days, or even a few weeks, is not going to make or break anything. If you have a big decision to make, take a step back. Tell your doctor, if they don't suggest it themselves, that you need time to think.

Don't Ignore Your Need for Support

Infertility often feels like a lonely journey, but you are not in this alone. There are millions of people like you living with infertility. There are support groups, like RESOLVE, and there are therapists who have training to help you deal with your struggles.

Don't forget about your friends and family, either. Not every person will be able to offer you support, but I believe you should have at least one friend and one family member who you can speak to about your fertility woes. Don't ignore your need for support. Reach out!

Don't Ignore Your Need for a Break

Taking a break from the infertility roller coaster isn't an easy decision, but for some people, it can be the best decision they ever made. Speak to your doctor about how long you can afford to take a break from trying to conceive, and if you feel you need a good amount of time to not focus on trying to conceive, take that time.

Personally, I can tell you my husband and I took a two year break in the middle of our trying to conceive years, and it made a huge difference. I will embarrassingly admit that I had hoped the break would also somehow cure me. I thought we'd finish our break, we'd start trying, and miracle of miracles, I'd get pregnant right away! Instead, it took three more years before we finally conceived and had our twins.

But I am very happy I took that break. It reenergized me. It made me feel strong again, like I could handle the disappointment. It also allowed me to rebalance my life, and remember that life isn't only about getting pregnant.

A break for you might mean a few months, or it may mean a year or more. Whatever you need, take it.

Have you been ignoring your needs? Have you ever taken a break? Asked for more time to think? Sought support? Feel free to leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

Don't Ignore the Men

Thursday April 26, 2012

Men also experience stress during infertility.

Men really get the short end of the stick when it comes to care and attention in the fertility world. So much focus is on the woman. Yet, infertility is (typically) faced as a couple. When a woman can't get pregnant, there's usually a man standing next her who is just as eager for a baby and just as unable to have one.

When a couple can't get pregnant, the woman is told to see her doctor, not the man. Fertility testing is frequently first done on the woman, and only later male fertility is tested (and sometimes not tested for some time!) During treatment, the woman frequently has the most active role, with pills, injections, ultrasounds, and other invasive procedures. There are invasive procedures for male infertility, but they are rarely used. But that doesn't mean the man isn't also stressed.

Here are some key issues that we must not ignore about men and infertility.

Don't Ignore Male Fertility Testing

Basic male fertility testing is relatively simple in terms of procedure. There are no shots, ultrasounds, or needles placed elsewhere. Just a cup and a private room to produce the semen sample, which is then analyzed in a lab. Further testing need only be done if the results are abnormal.

However, male fertility testing is often delayed, perhaps because a woman sees her gynecologist first, who may not think of the male partner as her patient. Often, the male partner isn't tested until they are referred to a fertility clinic.

What's wrong with this? It may lead to treatments that are doomed to fail. If the doctor gives the woman Clomid, it won't help them conceive if male fertility is complicating things. I know of a couple who went through several cycles of Clomid before his fertility was tested and discovered that his sperm count was abnormally low. All that exposure to Clomid (not to mention the emotional stress), for nothing.

Also, I think it's important to acknowledge that male fertility testing is simple in terms of procedure, but not necessarily in action! Semen analysis can be really difficult emotionally for some men. Just think for a minute how you'd feel if someone said you had to go into a room alone and find a way to orgasm, on demand, for medical testing. Yep. Not an easy task for most.

Don't Ignore Male Infertility

Male infertility is largely ignored by the media. So much focus is on women and their biological clock. And yet, almost half of all infertile couples have male factor infertility involved, with some having only male factor infertility involved and others having both male and female factors involved.

Male infertility can be tremendously stressful for a couple, especially the man. But how many mind-body classes do you know that target men? Granted, not many men would be interested in participating, but maybe someone needs to start thinking about how to best support men with infertility.

Don't Ignore the Stress of the Male Partner: Whether or Not He's Infertile

Whether the man is infertile or not, he still experiences stress.

In the trying phase, sex can and does often become a highly stressful issue. Suddenly, he may need to have sex, whether he wants to or not, just because she's ovulating. And knowing that the only reason she wants sex is because she might get pregnant is not a turn on for most men. Sex is a big stress reliever for many men, and when sex becomes stress, it's difficult.

In the testing phase, the relatively simple semen analysis can lead to high levels of anxiety in many men. In the treatment phase, needing to support his wife and produce semen samples (if doing IUI or IVF) can be trying and difficult for many men. There's also the financial stress, which often lays heavier on the male partner even if both partners are high earners, mainly because of societal beliefs of who is responsible for supporting the family.

Then there are the fears that they won't ever have a child. But because men and women often handle stress differently, the woman may feel the man "doesn't care" when really he's just putting up a strong front, hiding his own pain and vulnerability.

Don't Ignore the Male Partner's Role in Improving Health

Women are told to lose weight, try yoga, improve their diets. There are guided meditations and mind-body programs created for women with infertility.

But what are the men told? How often are they told that losing weight may also help improve their sperm counts? How about improving diet? Or cutting back on drinking and quitting smoking, if those are factors? How about vitamins supplementation?

Many doctors don't mention any of this, even when male infertility is diagnosed.

While improving health habits is rarely a sure fire solution to infertility, it may boost your chances. Why all the focus on the women? Why are we ignoring the male partner's role?

Women, do you feel your partner was ignored during testing or treatment? Do you unintentionally ignore his fears and concerns? Men, do you feel your needs were ignored? Do you wonder why the media focuses so much on the women and so little on the men? Please share your thoughts in the comments. I'd love to hear from you!

Don't Ignore Infertility Symptoms

Wednesday April 25, 2012

When something is not right with the body, usually, it sends us messages. These messages may be in the form of pain. They may take the form of fever or chills. Body messages may show up as moods, like depression or low libido. Some messages we listen to. Others we ignore... either because we don't realize our symptom is a symptom, or because we are unwilling to acknowledge that something may be wrong with us.

Don't ignore pelvic pain and other symptoms of infertility.

I can't say I've met many people who ignore a sore throat, fever, and weakness. Most people realize they are sick and see the doctor, probably because sore throats, colds, and flus are seen as a normal part of life. No one would ever appear shocked to learn that you once had strep throat. Few would feel ashamed to have caught a bad cold.

On the other hand, there are many people who ignore infertility symptoms. Perhaps because of the shame many people feel surrounding infertility, or even the shame of the symptoms themselves (like pain during sex or low libido). Or maybe because people are so silent about infertility it leads to a misconception that infertility is rare. In fact, infertility affects 1 in 8 couples.

Here are some of the big symptoms that fly under the radar. At the bottom of this blog, you'll find a list of quizzes on infertility symptoms.

Not Getting Pregnant within Six Months to a Year

Infertility is defined as not conceiving after one year of unprotected sex. If you're over 35, then infertility is defined as not conceiving after six months of unprotected intercourse. (This is because the older you get, the faster your fertility is declining, and it's essential you get help quickly.)

The very definition of infertility is also a major symptom, one that is often ignored. People tell themselves that if they just try a little longer, maybe they'll get pregnant. They tell themselves that they're not doing something right, that they could try harder.

So they try and try, and time passes, and in some cases, their fertility declines or worsens.

When it comes to infertility - especially age-related infertility, premature ovarian failure, and conditions like endometriosis - time is not your friend. If you don't get pregnant after six months of you're over 35, get help. Not after seven months or nine months or a year - after six months.

If you don't get pregnant after a year and you're under age 35, get help. Not after a year and a half, not after two years or three years. After one year. Ignoring this major symptom can possibly lead to lower chances of treatment success.

Pelvic Pain During Periods, Intercourse, or Bowel Movements

Pain is usually a symptom people can't ignore, especially severe pain. However, not all pain is acknowledged.

Sometimes, the pain is written off as normal. Period cramps are considered normal, but few people realize that severe cramps, the kind that keep you from going to school or work, are not normal after the teenage years. (And sometimes, severe cramps are not even normal then.) Women don't mention the cramps to their doctors because they don't realize everyone doesn't suffer like they do every month.

Sometimes, the pain is ignored by the doctors themselves. Endometriosis - a condition that often leads to severe period pain - takes years to diagnosis, partially because doctors don't take women seriously when they report pain. Many women are told that their severe pain is purely psychological.

Pain during intercourse is often ignored because it's too embarrassing to talk about. A woman may not even tell her partner she's feeling pain during sex, because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. But pain during sex is not normal. Pain during bowel movements and urination are also often ignored, either by the women experiencing it or the doctors who are told about it.

Pain should not be ignored. Severe period cramps, pain during intercourse, and pain during bowel movements are possible symptoms of infertility. Don't ignore them.

Low Libido

While we may not think about it this way, the urge to have sex is less about romanticism and more about biology's way of continuing the species. Women have higher levels of sexual desire during ovulation because they are most fertile. Men desire to sex because their biology wants to spread their genetic materials.

Low libido in men and women can be a symptom of infertility, and it's often ignored. It's sometimes blamed on depression (which can also be a symptom of a hormonal imbalance). And sometimes, the person experiencing low libido doesn't dare raise the topic with anyone. They feel it somehow makes them less "manly" or "womanly." The idea that it may have biological routes doesn't even cross their mind.

If you experience low libido, don't ignore it. Your body may be trying to tell you something.

Unexplained Weight Gain

Overweight women are commonly advised to lose weight if they're having trouble getting pregnant. They may be told this before any further testing is done, because weight gain is associated with lower fertility.

But what some doctors ignore - and many women don't know - is that weight gain can be a symptom.

For whatever reason, the world doesn't like "fat" people. They are often seen as lazy with low levels of willpower. Most movies portray overweight men or women by showing them stuffing their faces with food, completely unaware or uninterested in their weight problem.

What they don't show is the reality for many overweight people. For some, it's an underlying emotional pain or emptiness that they are trying to comfort. For others, it's an unexplained hunger that they can't seem to control, even with the best of intentions. They also don't show the overweight people who do try to exercise and do try to diet, but their actions don't seem to work.

Weight gain is a symptom of several causes of infertility in men and women. It's not laziness to blame, but an imbalance of hormones. Thyroid issues and PCOS in women, and hypogonadism in men, are some examples of hormonal imbalances that often have weight gain related symptoms.

If weight gain is a problem for you, don't let your doctor ignore your struggle. Get your hormones checked, have your blood sugars checked. Sometimes, treating the cause behind the weight gain, along with a healthy diet and exercise, will help you lose the weight, which in turn will improve your chances of getting pregnant.

Have you been ignoring your symptoms? Did you ignore symptoms longer than you should have? What do you think people need to know about the symptoms of infertility? Please feel free to leave a comment below. I'd love to hear from you!

Don’t Ignore Your Biological Clock

Monday April 23, 2012

Thankfully, we live in a world where (most) people live longer and where most diseases can be treated. We live in a world where technology has made life not only more convenient but longer and sometimes healthier. We live in a world where women are independent, can chose to marry or not, can chose to follow careers or not, and can chose to have children or not.

We also live in a time of medical miracles. We have amazing technologies - in vitro fertilization, for example - that allow couples to have children who just fifty years ago would have had no hope.

And yet, we have not conquered the biological clock. Ladies, do not ignore your biological clocks. Men, do not ignore your partner's biological clocks. Yes, I believe this isn't all on the women's shoulders. It's sometimes the men who say they want to wait a little longer before starting a family.

(Men also have a biological clock, but it is more subtle and less likely to be unbeatable.)

But I'm So Healthy!

If you're reading and thinking, "Oh, you're talking to those with unhealthy habits," I assure you that I'm talking to you, too. There are unhealthy habits that will speed the aging process, like smoking. But even if you lived the healthiest diet possible, if you do just the right amount of exercise, avoid all the toxins in this world, live your life in whatever perfect way possible, you can't stop your biological clock. Your body may not look old, but your ovaries are aging.

Is Career the Issue?

Oh, I see you, too. The reader who says, "Well, if women would just stop being so career obsessed, they'd have no issues starting a family on time!" Actually, according to a recent study, career isn't the most common factor in deciding to have a family. Less than 30% said career was a part of their decision. Waiting for a strong steady relationship is frequent reason why women wait. They just haven't found the future father of their imagined children. Other reasons include not yet "feeling in control of one's life" or not "feeling ready to parent."

But Doesn't Everyone Know about Their Biological Clock?

In fact, a great number of people believe infertility related to aging is easily conquered. After all, don't we have IVF? Aren't there celebrities conceiving in their late 30s, even their late 40s? Wasn't there some woman who conceived in her 60s or 70s?

The truth is that IVF doesn't solve age-related infertility. While increasing numbers of women are attempting IVF in their 40s, the success rates have not increased. The number of IVF procedures on women over 40 has increased 40% between 2003 and 2009, but the success rates remain the same - less than 9%.

What About Egg Donation?

For most couples over 40, egg donation gives them the best chance for success. But egg donation is extremely expensive, anywhere from $20,000 to $30,000 per cycle. That's outside of many people's budgets. It's also not always what a couple wants. They wanted a baby using their own eggs, but it's too late and not possible.

Can't I Just Freeze My Eggs?

A new possibility to beating the biological clock is freezing your own eggs when you're young. However, this is a relatively new technology. People are doing it, but there are still no guarantees.

It's also an expensive, invasive procedure for a "maybe", as in "Maybe I won't meet someone on time. And maybe I'll be able to have a baby with these eggs." It is entirely possibly to freeze lots of eggs and still not succeed.

Egg freezing is a good option for some women. But it's no cure, and it's not easy.

So This Is Serious! How Do We Tell People About This?

This is where things get very complicated and political. How do you tell people that their biological clocks are ticking and they should honestly consider hurrying up?

Not in health classes, where teens are taught to avoid sex and baby making for as many years as possible. Somehow I don't see the schools being willing to discuss ticking biological clocks with kids who they are afraid will go out and try to beat their clocks tomorrow.

Not at the doctor's office, where physicians are embarrassed or hesitant to bring the topic up. They don't want to be seen as pushy or "condensing."

Not from your mother or mother-in-law's mouth. Wow, would that not go over well.

Maybe a public service message campaign, though there is a good possibility it'll be criticized for either putting too much pressure on women, or somehow being "not pro feminist", or whatever.

Maybe the best way to spread the message is woman to woman, friend to friend. Were you taken by surprise by your biological clock? Do you wish someone would have told you earlier? From whom would you have taken in that information? How do you think the message should be spread?

Please feel free to share your thoughts - whether you're facing age-related infertility or not - in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you!

Can You Get Pregnant With Irregular Periods? Is My Period Irregular?

Sunday April 15, 2012

Basal Body Temperature Chart to track irregular periods.

Irregular periods are a symptom of possible infertility. But do irregular periods mean you will definitely have trouble getting pregnant?

Not necessarily. While it may make getting pregnant trickier, having an irregular period doesn't always lead to infertility. Whether or not you'll have trouble getting pregnant depends on just how irregular your periods are, what the cause of the irregular periods are, and whether you can time sex for pregnancy well.

Learn more about getting pregnant and irregular periods in this article:

Can You Get Pregnant With Irregular Periods?

How regular your periods are is just one aspect of your menstrual health. There are other factors -- like how long your periods are, how heavy your bleeding is, or how bad your cramps are -- that also should be taken into consideration. There are also symptoms of infertility besides irregular periods. Check out these two quizzes to learn more:

Learn more about your period and infertility symptoms in these articles:

Photo (c) /iStockPhoto

National Infertility Awareness Week Is Coming! Things You Can Do During NIAW

Sunday April 8, 2012

You're not alone with infertility. There is help - don't be afraid to reach out.

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is April 22nd through 28th this year. Sponsored by RESOLVE, National Infertility Awareness Week is the perfect time to raise awareness about infertility.

National Infertility Awareness Week is a week not just for raising awareness in those who are oblivious to the men and women living with infertility, but also a time to get educated about our options. The more you know about infertility testing, treatment, and coping skills, the better able you'll navigate the infertility maze.

What can you do in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week?

Perhaps you'd like to start an infertility blog. Your blog can become an outlet for your own experiences, but also, it'll help others out there with infertility know they are not alone. Never underestimate the power of your own stories!
You may want to check out RESOLVE's list of seven things people can do in seven days during the NIAW.
Talk about infertility with your friends and family. If your friends and family aren't sure how to respond to your infertility (or others, for that matter), direct them to this article: 10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Support Someone with Infertility
Plan to celebrate on May 6th, National Infertility Survival Day! (A bit like Mother's Day for infertility survivors, except having children is not required.) You can also share your dream plans for the day here. (My ideal day - breakfast in bed, dinner at my favorite steak place, and a massage... oh ya.)

If you're a blogger, you might want to consider entering RESOLVE's blogger challenge. The theme is "Don't ignore...", asking bloggers to address in a post (or several) what's being ignored about infertility. Learn how to officially participate here: "Don't Ignore..." Blog Challenge.

How will you be spending National Infertility Awareness Week? What do you feel is being ignored about infertility? Feel free to share in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you!

Photo (c) Michael Hitoshi / Getty Images.

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